She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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