yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I am one with the molecules
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
