Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
