FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
