Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
