I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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