i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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