I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
