I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I look better un-naked...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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