Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
