I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
