To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
