We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Randomize
