Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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