the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
