party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize