Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
