I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
