FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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