so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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