I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
