I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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