I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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