My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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