i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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