I can text with my tongue
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
