people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
