capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
