just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
