I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
