stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
