So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
