you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
