My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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