before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
True strength comes from lack of pants
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
