so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
