so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
