He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize