just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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