Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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