Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
