sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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