I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
