i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
