I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
