it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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