I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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