paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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