so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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