He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
