One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
