It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
a search helicopter?!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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