We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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