I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
