Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
