My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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