I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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